Thu, 06/25/2009 - 03:52 — Henrik
External/Internal:
EXT
INT. JAMIES BEDROOM - NIGHT
Opening credits over images from the bedroom of JAMIE 19, she
sound asleep in her bed. Slow ominous music and roomtone.
TITLE CARD: THE PACT
Her alarm clock shows 3 am. She seems tense and worried in
her sleep. The atmosphere in her room has changed. Shadows
play and from the dark corner of the room the shadow of a man
emerges. It walks towards Jamie in her bed. Close to her face
it watches as she sleep. Jamie wakes up from her nightmare.
She is just about to call her best friend CHRIS when her
cellphone rings. It is CHRIS, and we can her from her
description she has had the very same dream. The idea of them
both dreaming the same dream is freaking Jamie out and when
Chris asks her if she too had a bad dream, Jamie lies and
alters and understates her own dream.
INT. THERAPISTS OFFICE - DAY
Jamie sits silently opposite the therapist, a woman in her
fifties. The therapist try to restart the session, mentioning
Jamies issues with trust and authority and the connection
with her moms alcoholism. Jamie says she doesn't respect the
therapist and that she wants to stop seeing her. The
therapist gets unprofessionally annoyed and the session turn
into a rather silly fight. You are childish, the therapist
say. You are oldish Jamie replies, provoking the therapist
even more.
EXT. CAMPUS - DAY
Jamie and CHRIS 19 discuss the decision to stop seeing the
therapist. Chris argues that it might do her good to
continue. Jamie agrees but argues she must find a better
therapist in that case, this one was just on a weird
powertrip she says.
They talk more about the dreams and Jamie admits to having
bad dreams as well.
INT. JAMIES BEDROOM - NIGHT
That night Jamie dreams again of a shadow of a man in her
room staring at her as she sleeps. (NOTE: need to plant clues
here, pointing towards the future members of the pact) Again
Chris calls her right when she wakes up. Chris decide it must
be an omen of something about to happen, a warning of some
kind. She says she wants to talk to someone about the dreams,
the only one she can think of is the college chaplain. Jamie
is skeptic and claims she doesn't think it means anything.
Yet when they hang up she can't sleep.
INT. COLLEGE CHAPLAIN - DAY
Chris and Jamie see the CHAPLAIN 60. He is polite and nice,
when Jamie says something skeptical he agrees with her
winning her confidence. He says that still today no one knows
if dreams can tell us something. Only way to find out is to
wait and see, either the dreams will go away or the will grow
in intensity. Some people are vessels that can house
supernatural entities, he continues, if the entity is good
natured we call them touched by an angel and often that is
the beginning of most saints, if they are evil on the other
hand we call them possessed by a demon. Either way it's very
rare, he concludes casually but asks them to pay attention to
what clues they see and come back to tell him, if they're on
the verge of becoming two saints he sure wouldn't wanna miss
it, he says and smiles. Chris promises to see him regularly.
EXT. CAMPUS - DAY
They talk about their meeting with the chaplain, they both
liked the old priest. But Jamie thinks it was too much to
promise to see him again. Suddenly Jamies mom DEBORAH 50
comes by with a lunch box as a nice, humorous gesture. She is
ironic about the fact that Jamie never comes by to see her.
Jamie is provoked but tries to hide it. Chris sides with Deb
which irritates Jamie. You should be glad to have such a
loving mom, she says. You should be glad to have such a best
friend, Deb says. She complains to Chris, isn't my daughter
weird, she won't accept help from me, do you still see your
therapist, Jamie? Yes, mom to get over the fact that my mom
is a drunk, Jamie snaps irritated.
INT. PARTY - NIGHT
That night at a party Jamie and Chris are drunk (stoned?) and
getting sentimental. We are best friends forever and ever,
Chris says, wanting them to vow their eternal friendship but
for some reason Jamie is getting uncomfortable. Chris is
irritated and wonders why Jamie is distancing herself. Jamie
explains she feels a bit trapped, although she values Chris'
friendship she also values independence. To her nothing human
is everlasting, people change and make mistakes. Friendship
is a great thing but it never last, people are simply not
that trustworthy. Chris is offended and accuses Jamie of
being a coward. You are seriously fucked up, you do need help
she concludes before leaving her alone. Jamie tries to hide
her sorrow as she leaves the party.
EXT. JAMIES HOUSE - NIGHT
Jamie stands outside her small apartment in a big old house
converted into student apartments. She doesn't go in, instead
she turns and walk away.
EXT. DEBORAHS HOUSE - NIGHT
Jamie stands outside a scruffy looking semidetached house.
The lights are on in the kitchen and we can se DEB sitting by
the table smoking and drinking. Jamie enters.
INT. DEBORAHS HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT
Debbie comes back into the kitchen after letting Jamie in.
Jamie cries into her arms. Debbie agrees with Jamie, trust
does not last, sooner or later you are betrayed. Debbie
trusted Jamies father once and he left her alone. I trusted
you Jamie says softly. Debbie nods, and here I am drink in
hand. I should'a gotten help when I was young, huh? I was
afraid ya'know. But I think I handle it better nowadays don't
you? Jamie shrugs and smiles.
INT. ASYLUM - NIGHT
A man is walking inside an asylum for the criminally insane.
There are guards waving him by, handing him a key. We can not
see his face as we see things strictly from his point of
view. He is breathing as if excited. He walks down a corridor
and opens a door to a cell and steps inside. He walks to the
centre of the room where a male patient lies tied down,
moaning. The patient is in his fifties, pale almost
transparent skin after decades in confinement. The man walks
closer, now panting as he leans in and whispers something
inaudible in the patients ear. The patient goes suddenly
calm, then after a few long seconds starts twitching and
jerking and giggling in a unnatural way making unsettling
eerie sounds. The man who whispered also starts giggling, an
excited almost aroused giggle.
INT. DEBORAHS HOUSE - NIGHT
Jamie wakes up from a nightmare at her moms place. After
shaking the dream off she leaves. Walking home in the night
she thinks about the dreams. Repeating the images to
herself.(NOTE: need to plant clues here, pointing towards the
future members of the pact)
The dreams have definitely grown in intensity and become more
specific.
Comments
Hmmm....
PACT ACT 1
I read Act 1 at the homepage and I have a lot of opinions.
In the first sequence, I read series of scenes (2,3,4,5,6,7,8,11) were people talk about things. They talk about dreams, relationships, the mother, the priest, etc. I think there is much to gain from showing Jamie doing things instead. See her interact with her alcoholic mom instead of talking about her. Search for a way to give shape of what is being told instead of letting the characters talk about it. How would it be like, one may ask? And it is not easy to answer ... Which in fact is a symptom of that the story in this introduction is not particularly cinematic. I can for example find it a little bit pity to make a single scene of the meeting. With Jamie, the nightmares and when she discovers that her friend is dreaming the same thing. Add time to let us get to know Jamie and take the dreams after that- Finally she can discover that her friend is dreaming the same thing. I saw the start of Twilight, they devote 10 minutes to establish Bella and her world.
The second sequence is a bit more action like but it starts with talking and internal dialogue. When I see Jamie take care of her mother, it is concrete action and also when they form the pact. But then one of those strange things happen (or did I read carelessly?) Jamie assembles a gang who all dreamt in the same way ... WHHAAAT?!? How does it work? How did she find them? She doesn't react on the strange fact that Chris is having the same dreams. She also collects more persons like herself just because she needs them for her pact!
I have trouble with all this. And now I am talking about the whole story. I don't understand what the demon is doing and I don't understand what Jamie is doing. Why did she form a pact? Exactly what problem is she trying to solve? If she has difficulties to connect, and doesn't want to talk to someone. Why do I see her visiting a therapist and a priest? (I guess that it is her own decision to go there) Then she formed a pact for no apparent reason. Is this really a “non connector” who doesn't want to talk? No, as I could see from the story it doesn't relate to the words describing it. (And I also don't understand why she is having these problems. How does the story benefit from these characteristics traits?)
Henrik, it is not my ambition to break you by being negative. But I have seen projects that were living in limbo like this for years before they sank down and died. A project I'm working with now that begins with J and ends at 2, was being discussed for years and it really felt as if there was a story there, everyone believed so including me. Until I could help and write, which turned out to be just words, set phrases, clichés of character development, internal problems and needs. It was first when we came up with a solid plot that everything started to take form.)
My hope is that you are so shaken, that you restart and throw away all thoughts of Jamie having issues to talk about her problems (maybe she does, but it is not important) And she doesn't need to create any pact either. What she needs, is to be involved of things that draws us into the story. See if you can tell the story in pictures without words. (You have to describe the picture of course).
I think that you are avoiding being concrete, it is a big problem. It is the reality we are describing and it is concrete. Later, if we want to, we can choose not to tell all this but you must be sure. I think (KNOW!) that it is much easier to work with the material when it becomes more concrete. Rather than write something bad to just talk theory. I think for example that it is important to know what the demon is looking for and what it intends we must understand why Jamie (and her friends) has been selected. We must understand the framework applicable to this demon ... etc, etc.
Give us a sequence at the beginning that is clear about who Jamie is, and why I should care about her. See what she loves and cares about, what she fears and concerns. And rather who cares about her. The more we can recognize ourselves in this, the better. (Twilight Bella shows that “divorce-children” are suffering from being separated from their mothers, which they love. As she ends up in a new city and will start in a new school where she is afraid not to fit in. She is surrounded by people who care about her when she meets the mysterious Edward ...)
Give us then a sequence that kicks off the story. Suggested that she start dreaming nightmares.
Give us then the mystery. Her friend (or anyone else) is having the same thing.
For me, this is clearly understandable steps for getting a story forward.
Gr8t!
Wonderful!
Love Jamie's distancing herself from her best friend. Even somthing as childlish as BFF is too much for her. So she runs back to mom (whom she's certainly left already a million times...)
Had the same thought as Anders W: chaplain jumps into demons? "Touched by an angel" was more positive... overtly he could be of the faith that "there is really no hell or bad side... we strive to reach the light and if we don't succeed, it just means we didn't reach the light..." (later, perhaps, we discover that was a lie on his part... and he's big on exorcism...)
More, more, I want more!
What the hell is this?
This text is flawed, it isn't even grammatically correct. I know I know but It will get better as we go along. That's the point my friends. All work will take place here, on the site, before your very eyes. So stay tuned, tomorrow - next sequence, called "Jamie gets by on her own, the demon claims its first victims and the pact is formed"
The Chaplain
Cool! FInally act 1! I really like it how we get introduced to the guy in the psychiatric ward.
One think I thought about was that the chaplain started talking about demons rather fast. Could he not just reassure them with the angel talk at their first visit, and later they come to visit and they find a book in his study about the exorcism of demons or something similar?